Sunday, July 11, 2010


Well today is a little bit better as far as my depression goes but still a little down in the dumps. I have been looking into new crafts to try and started looking at crocheting. Now I did that before but was young and I think that I would be able to do it now. I just wanna do this on the side. I have been looking into selling Mark and I don't think that is going to be for me. It is the same as selling Avon and that was just not working. So now it is off to the next thing to look into.

Now when I am looking into things, I weight the pros and cons and also do my research on how many people in my area are selling it, how well things like that might sell, the price of the items that they offer (because I look at it as would I have the money to buy the items and if not then I stop looking into that certain one) and talk to some of the representatives to get their input on the items. I don't just jump into something that I know I am going to have to put money out on.

Another thing that I am looking into is going back to school. I just don't know if I will be able to handle work and taking classes. I will have to take my classes online so that I can do it from home. I will looking at that tomorrow and see what I can find out so expect an update soon.

Friday, July 9, 2010


Today was kinda hard. All day it seemed like everything that could go wrong did. I have wanted to do nothing all day but cry. I don't know who I am anymore. How did I lose myself? I don't even know where to start.

I keep thinking about how my life changed when I met my husband. When I met him, he taught me how to think for myself and taught me that it was OK to think good things about myself. He taught me that I don't have to do what everyone wants me to do. He told me that it was OK for me to be happy even if other people don't like my decisions. That is why I love him.

I have been talking to one of my friends from high school that is going through the same thing. She has decided to sell Avon and see how that goes for her. I don't wanna sell that but she told me about The Mark line and I think that I will try that. It is only $10 to get started and I have that already. If it doesn't work out then it is only $10 that I am out. I can handle that loss to try to re-establish myself.

I know that I am not the same person that I was ten years ago. You will probably hear me say that a lot in this journey. I know that what will happen is that I will be redefining myself. I have trouble sleeping at night worrying about all of the everyday things like bills, making sure my van makes it back and forth to work, etc.

Where do I start? I really don't know where to go from here. I am just taking it day by day and hope that I don't mess things up too bad that I forget what my goal is. I am glad, though, that I have my family and my wonderful friends to help me on this quest to help me keep my goal in sight and maybe succeed in more ways than I could ever imagine.

Finding myself...

I knew going into this quest that finding myself was going to be a hard thing to do. I have been married for nine years and have a wonderful husband and two beautiful little girls but I want to be known for more that just being a wife and a mother. Don't get me wrong, these two things are wonderful accomplishments but the thing is that I forgot who I am. I know that I love to sell things but the thing is that I don't know who I am and I think that has something to do with my anxiety and depression.

How can someone forget who they are? I feel so lost sometimes. Work gets my mind off of it for a little while but I don't want to be in a dead end job forever. I want more for my family and for myself. Am I wrong for this?

When I was growing up, the majority of my memories of my mother were of her being at work. She was there for things like Chorus shows but when it came to being able to go and do things as a family, it was my brother, myself and my grandparents more that it was with her. I don't want my children to have the memories of me not being there for them. I love being with my kids. I am not looking for something where I can just not ever have to do anything to make money again. I just want something that I can be proud of. Something that is mine. Something that when my kids see it can say, "my mommy did this." My husband is a carpenter and there are houses all over the area that we live that we can drive around and see that he built. What have I done? I have tried college and had to quit to go back to work. Working ten hour days for nine dollars an hour is not my idea of the perfect life.

I am chronicling my quest for self exploration. My goal is to either find myself or at the least redefine myself. I know that I am not the same person that I was ten years ago but at least I can figure out who I have grown into being.

Wish me luck.